One of these days I am going to get right fucking pissed and write a bunch of emails to people saying too much.
It's the eve of a New Year and my life looms large in front of me. Huge. Massive. Enormous. Looms. LOOMS.
I was never scared before I moved here, but now I am horrified scared. Trembling almost. Not of anything happening to me, but scared of my decisions.
At one point in my life I was able to shut off all emotion and just deal with life as it came. Looking back, if I was the person I am now when things were happening I would have fallen apart. I have lost all of my internal strength and now I just feel like I am floundering. If I think about what is going on it makes me so ... I don't even know. I just wish that I was the person who packed up her stuff and moved to Toronto on a whim. I want to be back to how I was, laughing at life when it threw its blows at me and enjoying it even when it was tragic.
I met someone online who changed a lot of things inside me. He probably changed me more so than anyone I have ever met and I am not sure at this point in time if I handled the changes in me the way they should have been handled. Since meeting him I have had uncontrolable feelings that I had never dealt with before. It might have been that I met him at a time when all of it was happening and me knowing him at that point was merely just chance, but nevertheless I associate him with my internal changes.
At some point in my life I might look back on this and thank him for opening up the emotional flood of feelings that I now experience (if I remember correctly, I thanked him at the time because it was all so great to actually FEEL STUFF), but right now I wish that I could shut them off like I used to do. You see, I was never trained to feel because I never truely felt. Now that I feel I can't handle it.
Shut it all off.
It gives me a headache to think about sometimes. The thing is that I really want to think about it all and be logical instead of emotional.
All this unresolved shit is making me INSANE. I wonder if it will all go away once I get out of here.
This all sounds so ridiculous! I get these flashes of logic that make me HATE all this emotional crap. DAMN MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Funny aside, Dan told me I am the most unaffectionate person he has ever dated last night. HAHAHHAHHAHHA!!! It's true, I lack affection. I lack affection in such an outright obvious way that I feel uncomfortable THINKING about affection.
The basic problem is that people keep asking me questions about everything and I don't want to get upset in front of them. That's all I ask. To be able to shut off my emotions enough to not break fucking down. I have to give my notice on Monday. I am so very scared. It's the final nail in the boat.
Before I finish this entry up I really need to say that I still have all the feelings I ever had, the fact that nothing came to fruition doesn't mean that all of that stuff inside of me went away. Maybe that's what is bothering me so much.
This whole bloody entry is a big fat fucking mess - the last one was much better. Just so that everyone knows I still act the same in person than I did before. I still have the ghost of who I was inside of me and when she is resurrected it feels familiar and warm. I like it when I can be how I was. Perhaps this mess of a person is temporary. (In reality, I think I am hoping against all odds that the person I am now is just temporary and that once I cross the 49th I will return to the old me, the one I enjoyed being.)
As for the emotions, please send an instruction manual, you.
P.S. I regret nothing, ever. Ever. This will all make me better in the end, as everything else has done. Onward and upward, and Merry New Year.