Not good. Not good. I am totally freaked out. I have bitten off way more than I can chew.
And then my rational mind reads sentences like those and gets right pissed off at the emotional me. Like, what the fuck? I've been through worse. This is just moving and breaking up with someone. Both of which I have done many, many times in the past. I should not be so worried and freaked out. I should fly byt he seat of my pants when telling Dan instead of planning it out because that is how I function best. I shouldn't worry about him, because this is about ME.
I am far too soft. I seem too hard, but it's not true. I will do whatever I can for the people I care about because I want to make them happy. That is why i got upset yesterday.
Oh, yesterday. Yeah. My sister is an asshole. She didn't call me since I mailed something to her a few weeks ago and I didn't know if she got it or not. When I called her and asked about it she mentioned that she got it a few days ago. I asked her if she knew how to wear them and she said yes. Then I asked her if she liked the colours and she said yes. That was all. No thank you, no "Gee, that was nice sending me something you MADE for Christmas. Gee, I know there is a big long list of stuff to make and people who would PAY for this kind of stuff, I really like it, THANK YOU."
Nothing, none of that. Asshole. That is the last fucking time, I tell you.
Fuck that.
The thing is that I like to see people happy, I like to see them smiling. Well, if I like them I do. Let's not discuss how I want to see people I don't like.
So I'm soft. If it would make someone happy I will do it for them, even if it will make me unhappy. You see, it evens out in my mind and makes it neutral for me. But after a while, I get bitter inside and resent the person for things that they want me to do. I don't want to do things for them. I want to get a little back, but I can't say that. So I just sit there, bitter and fuming.
In my new life I don't want to be so soft. I don't want to spend my time making other people happy. It doesn't work, I end up unhappy. And then they do in the end because I leave. No more. No more softness.
And every few minutes when I remember the reality of my situation right now I get angry that I am here, and scared about what is going to happen. But in only a week's time, I will be leaving.
Time is fucked, yo.