I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel more involved in this situation than any other that I have ever been through, and yet I feel like it all just skims everyone elses perephrials. Like, all of this shit that is so heavy to me just seems like nothing, or even worse - like a game, to everyone else.
I want people to understand how majorly all of this is affecting me, but I am really bad at communication. In order to not be a bummer I joke around or pretend like it's alright, but it's really not. Not at all.
I just feel awful. I don't even know how my head turned this way. It is so foreign and different than anything I have ever experienced before. Yet logically it is not that major.
I want this all to be over. I so do not want to have to tell him.
When I do is it going to open the floodgates of all this guilt and fear? Is it all going to go away? Fuck I hope so, I really really do. I can't even look at him without feeling uneasy in my stomach.
We haven't kissed in days, and haven't has sex since we got married, September 11, 2003.
I don't find him attractive.
He is rude.
He gets angry for nothing.
We can't drive more than a block without him yelling and screaming at some other driver.
I never get to do what I want. Or, more accurately, if we do what I want he acts like he is doing me this huge favour for which I should be indebted to him indefinitely for.
He doesn't really love who I am, he just loves having someone around.
Remind me, please remind me what all of this is fucking for.