Fatty Sat On A Two Hole Punch [ 2005-01-10, 12:48 p.m. ]

I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel more involved in this situation than any other that I have ever been through, and yet I feel like it all just skims everyone elses perephrials. Like, all of this shit that is so heavy to me just seems like nothing, or even worse - like a game, to everyone else.

I want people to understand how majorly all of this is affecting me, but I am really bad at communication. In order to not be a bummer I joke around or pretend like it's alright, but it's really not. Not at all.

I just feel awful. I don't even know how my head turned this way. It is so foreign and different than anything I have ever experienced before. Yet logically it is not that major.

I want this all to be over. I so do not want to have to tell him.

When I do is it going to open the floodgates of all this guilt and fear? Is it all going to go away? Fuck I hope so, I really really do. I can't even look at him without feeling uneasy in my stomach.

We haven't kissed in days, and haven't has sex since we got married, September 11, 2003.

I don't find him attractive.

He is rude.

He gets angry for nothing.

We can't drive more than a block without him yelling and screaming at some other driver.

I never get to do what I want. Or, more accurately, if we do what I want he acts like he is doing me this huge favour for which I should be indebted to him indefinitely for.

He doesn't really love who I am, he just loves having someone around.

Remind me, please remind me what all of this is fucking for.

last - next

Fatty Sat On A Two Hole Punch - 2005-01-10
Whoa - 2005-01-07
Ungh - 2005-01-04
I've Really Done It Now - 2005-01-03
The Moon and Antartica - 2004-12-31