I feel sick and nauseous. Maybe it's the fair food or maybe it's my guilty conscience. I hate pretending.
It's not that I have never gone through anything bad in my life before, but this is fucking me up more than anything ever has. I get confused when I'm in public and I want to stay inside just until this all passes. Somehow I am under the impression that I am mortified to be myself, whatever there is left in here, that if I try to do what I want to do it (or I) will be rejected.
I was looking at mittens at a booth at a fair and wanted to buy a pair. I was going through the stack so quick that I tossed them into a big mess in my hurry, but then just picked the first pair I had touched because it was easier than making a decision. When I looked up I couldn't see him and my first thought was that he got frustrated waiting for me and left me there to try and find my own way home.
I hate thinking shit like that. The time my mom tried to bring me to an orphanage, probably as a scare tactic for whatever. It was early morning, maybe 4 or 5, driving around Edmonton with screaming hysteric children.
Maybe I hate all this so much because it reminds me of all the dysfunction of my childhood. Maybe I hate it all because no one should have to be like this. I wish I had a fucking backbone, I wish I wasn't scared shitless. Not even of him, but of not being prepared and not having everyhting all ready to go. Wait, wait wait. Because it's just time and waiting until everything can and will be okay.
Sometimes I just sit here and don't say or do anything, and don't even really listen and just go along with whatever because it is so much easier than actually doing something about anything.
I would rather cook supper and eat it when I am not hungry than have to try to convince him I shouldn't have to cook or talk about why I don't want to eat. I don't like any option, but they are all so unappetizing. Hah! If I thought it would be easy to explain how I feel then I would.
"What, is standing up too hard now, you need to sit down? You're so fucking lazy."
So you stare at the wall, right? And not say anything, right? Because I hate fighting. Hate hate hate hate yelling. I don't yell. Well, I do, but only a few times lately that I can remember. You know, I might block all this shit out at some point in the future.
Maybe I should smoke more weed. I quit smoking cigarettes. Really miss the smell of nicotene on my fingers. I loved smelling my hands when I smoked. God I'm fucked up sometimes.
I hate Bush and would probably hate Kerry too, if I still lived in Canada. I hate the fucking ugly flag, and I HATE how everyone fucking mocks me. I AM TIRED OF THE JOKES YOU RETARDED BUNCH OF FUCKING ASSHOLES. YOU ARE ALL IGNORANT SONS OF BITCHES AND NOTHING ABOUT YOUR CUNT-RY MAKES IT ANY BETTER THAN ANY OTHER. In fact, I can name about 30 or 40 things, off the top of my head, that make it WORSE. But yet everyone here is convinced of it's superiority.
I have about $200 American so far. Not bad considering I started saving only two days ago. I estimate about $1000 American in the bank by the time I need to be out of here, minimum. I want coloUred money.