I don't even know anymore, I just like to keep my hands busy.
I know an awful lot of people, people all over this side of the world. And yet, the phone never rings. I mean, sometimes it does, but mostly it's the wrong number. Mostly.
And I was close to people at some point, and I really mattered. In fact, I am sure that at some point people considered me their best friend and I might have considered that right back. Or maybe some people's highlights were that they got to talk to me. Probably the best part of my day was talking to them.
Things start to shift, and change. And I look for excitement and then I leave. I always leave. It really is rare for people to leave me. This fact does not make anything hurt any less.
I think about why I left and I feel guilty, or ... I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't have made the decisions that I've made, or what if, or maybe I should have... instead.
None of this is actually going to change anything, though. And in my up times, I just think to myself, I think, "Self, this is the time you should be enjoying being here, having this experience. Who else is doing this right now, this very thing that you are doing, right where you are, right now? NO ONE. Just YOU! Now THAT'S an experience!"
And honestly, in those times I could just be doing laundry down the street, or walking to work, or riding on the subway, or anything else plain and normal. Eating toast, cutting my nails.
See, life gets filled up with all that little shit which is the bulk of most of the human experience and it is by far underappreciated.
But the point of all of this is that I keep LEAVING and I never know when I will get to stay. Or when I will think that where I am at is good, and nothing needs to be changed. This isn't saying that there aren't reasons, valid ones, why I should go in this particular instance, it's only to say that I can get pretty tired of all of this and that I miss being important to people. Important people to me. I guess that's all, really.