I don't like to go to bed at night because I feel like everything is a lie. I don't like talking to people about average every day stuff because that is not what I am thinking about.
It's hard to just not say much because all I really have to say is negative and not really the stuff I enjoy talking about. I have all this shit going on right now and no one to really talk to about it. I could call up friends, but who really wants to hear about the same shitty emotions I am having over and over again?
It was my sisters birthday on Sunday and I didn't call her. I didn't call her tonight, either. I probably won't call her and I don't even know why. No one even called me to tell me to call her. If you knew my mom, you would understand how odd it is for her to not call all of her kids on one of their birthdays. Then again, neither she nor my brother called me on my birthday.
Just fuck everything already. Just fuck expectations and having to plan shit and fuck having to deal with all this crap. Fuck it all. Fuck me having to cry to get out all of my anger and frustration and immense sadness. Fuck having to deal with life and fuck getting older.
Fuck all my fucking mistakes.
Fuck all the people I've loved and still love because they always hurt me the most.
Fuck me for not having enough foresight when I made decisions.
Fuck me for wanting to be a bitch and being a wimp instead.
I feel a bit better now. Better relatively speaking, of course.
Apparently I am going to give my notice at work on Janauary 3rd. Can someone else live this part of my life for me? Or is it possible for me to just get severly stoned for the next month or so and not have to seriously think about anything?
It's hard for me to communicate.