It's fucking weird. Just everything, really. How many times inside my head I can think things are over when they aren't. It's also weird how purple my hands can get. Purple like blood with no oxygen purple. Like I ate one thousand pomegranites. Fuck you and spelling.
I hate looking at pictures and I hate remembering. I fall in love really fast, or what passes for love for me. And then I fall out of it, and in it, and out of it and etc.
Shit is happening. I told Amanda, finally. She said she was happy for me and we cried and laughed and cried and laughed. It was comical in some "How the fuck did I get to this" kind of way.
I have this deep sadness inside me that can bring me to tears in seconds if I think about it.
If I think about it, my life has nothing to do with what's going on right now. It's last year, and the year before, and the one before that. Nothing is ever put to rest and it just recycles in my fucking head. All I really want to do is be honest with people, but I can't because that is what gets shit all fucked up. Life is easier if you lie and pretend.
Now the hand is white like snow, or those weird fucking peaches that aren't fleshy coloured but slightly yellow instead. Mom, this better not be that fucking thing you have because if I end up getting gangrene (fuck you and your spelling) and have to cut off digets (fuck you and your spelling) and then can't knit properly because of it I will disown my DNA forever. I mean it this time, no foolsies.
This life is dead to me already.
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING FUCKED UP OVER THE PAST????
I just want to let it all go, but I can't. I think I've been too lonely on the inside for far too long.
So how do we all feel about explosive diahhrea? Fuck you and your spelling. Stupid words, all they ever did was make me confused.
Normal-ish coloured with a touch of stone fucking cold now. Little cold shivers in my chest. Definitely a draft.
I want home. I want hugs from people who are too bony to be real. I miss green eyes. I like shoveling snow. The whole world should have snow because it can really make people happy. It snowed in places there hasn't been recorded snow ever this Christmas. How is that for fun? I like to smoke the occasional cigarette and I miss B.C. weed. Ohhh, it's been years since I got really stoned off the good stuff.
I miss friends who have my accent.
Some things are past and now have no chance and it's weird to think that and to have to deal with that. I know why poeple are stupid. I really do. Because this is what happens when you actually try to deal with life. This is what happens when you try to logically think things through and reflect on your decisions. Regret, self loathing, doubt. Happiness, a sense of wonder at the world, exhaustion. Oh, were you expecting something more positive than exhaustion there? It's as good as it gets.
I like the entries that go on and on without surface reason. They really do flow for me and are more cathartic than the factual ones.
I like black and white photos.
I remember looking at cams and rubbing my finger on my computer screen, trying to feel people. Sometimes that works better than in real life.
This is really close to the heart, this time. I mean all of this and wish I could just say it all. Fuck me and my typing. God damn "ing". Back to purple. Does that mean it's time to go? I need to run that hand under some hot water.