Sometimes I feel fine, like maybe leaving isn't that good of a choice. But then there are times like last night when he freaks out and I know that I am making the right decision.
I don't want to live through the "decent" times fearing his mood swings. There are always going to be bad times with him, and I just have to remember that no matter how okay things might seem, they aren't going to be okay forever.
It was just the fucking bills. I am WAY more organzied than him. I know if bills have come in or not. Flying papers and him freaking the fuck out because he thinks a bill came in and I threw it out. This coming from a guy who did all his filing by throwing papers into the hall closet. No shit. Now everything is nice and DATE ORDERED in a filing case, and I MUST BE THE ONE WHO LOST THE BILL, YOU IDIOT. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU THROW IT AWAY??? YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID, I CAN'T STAND YOU. LOOK AT ALL THIS FUCKING CRAP.
Thanks. And then the inevitable "sorry, i was tired and took it out on you. i didn't mean it, you know how i get when i'm grumpy."
Yeah, I know just how you "get". I know that you can't control your temper and you take out every little frustration on me, no matter how disproportionate your freaking out may actually be. I know that you can't handle ANYTHING in life and need me to coddle you. I know that you freak out with your emotions because you don't have the WORDS or the BALLS to say what you're really thinking and feeling, and there is probably a good chance that you are too fucking self absorbed to realize that your behaviour is COMPLETELY fucked up.
It's not my job to tell him this. He is a 30-year old person (well, almost) and should realize this on his own. It is also not my job to try to "fix" him. I have enough to deal with on my own, never mind all of his assorted phobias, mood swings, quirks and dysfunctions.
It's too much.
So how come I still feel like it might be a bad decision to leave? The confusing thing is that my brain is all a mess. Normally my thoughts are clear and bright and my emotions are the confusing element of my personality. But lately, my brain is confused as well. It's like my emotions are becoming entangled with my logic and because of that any descision I am trying to make becomes impossible. My thoughts used to be so clear. I had them all nice and neat, flowing from one point to another in a understandable way. Everything in there is a fucking mess.