Well, I have already been getting birthday presents and my birthday isn't until Friday. I feel guilty that I am getting presents at all.
I asked for a discman when forced to ask for something, and the one I got is great. He asked why I wanted one, and it's mostly in anticipation of public transit in Toronto, there is no real reason for me to have it here. I mumbled something about sometimes wanting to listen to music when he's watching T.V. or something.
The guilt is just the worst thing. Maybe not the worst thing, the thought of actually having to tell him I am leaving is just as bad. I am thinking I will tell him on the Wednesday night now. Probably just to allieviate some of the guilt.
His car crapped out on him and he bought a new one. I feel bad that he is going to have a car payment when I leave. My logic tells me that this is ridiculous, as he makes nearly twice what I do and is horrible with his money, which is why he has no savings. He can clearly afford a three hundred dollar a month payment, and he would have had to get a new car at some point anyway.
I don't know why my mind attaches onto these things and won't let go. I just want to feel OKAY, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen until I actually leave.
I taught knitting this weekend and I was talking to the girls about going and started to CRY. I never used to cry. Ever since my brother's accident I cry so easily. It creeps me out. Part of it is probably not having any alone time to just think things out and get myself sorted out in the head. I am always around someone or in public or something. There is no time for just sitting and thinking. Even now, as I type this, there are 6 people in the room with me.
I want to be alone so badly. Even if it's just for a few hours.